im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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