she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
