i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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