It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
