I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
