One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
