Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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