Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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