i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
