So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
