im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
