Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
