I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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