It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
