paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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