The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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