You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize