Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the day after is always just damage control
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
