Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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