I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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