I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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