This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
