Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
