Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
