i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
