Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
