i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
