We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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