You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
