just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
