if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
