Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
