its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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