Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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