Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize