I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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