After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
