I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
