i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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