Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
