Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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