You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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