Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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