Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Someone shit on the floor
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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