That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
