remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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