Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
