So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
