Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
