in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
