It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
