hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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