the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
