Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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