god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
last night I used snow as a chaser
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
