Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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